Teen Advice Column

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Being sexually active is an enormous step. Even though you both are (were) virgins, there's still a lot of risks to consider: pregnancy, STDs (chlamydia can cause a female not to have babies), and of course, HIV/AIDS. You can never be sure that you won't get pregnant when you have sex because no contraceptives are 100% fail-proof. But if you and your boyfriend use a condom with birth control pills that would be best. It's too bad that your town does not provide sex education or have a local clinic. You should make an effort to check out the nearest clinic -- even if you have to get a friend to drive you. Believe us, it will be worth the trip! Teens deserve to have all the information and medical facts. That's the reason Dr. John set up this site on the internet and why we are volunteering to answer teens' questions like yours. Do you have a drug store in your area or a hospital? You can buy condoms at a drug store and many hospitals will give contraceptives to girls your age. We hope that we have answered all your questions. Thank you for writing.

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From your email we do not know where you live but most states (and some countries) have strict regulations regarding body piercing (and tattoos) and it seems like the man followed the correct procedures in sterilizing techniques. Using a strong mouthwash is good too. According to Dr. John, there are really no known cases of HIV from tongue piercing (but records are not good in this area). He says it could still be a risk especially if teens try to pierce their own tongues and then share the needles and equipment. This goes for both body piercing and homemade tattoos. If you are seriously worried about what your parents said, check with your doctor or if you prefer, check out a local health clinic for accurate information on confidential (and anonymous) HIV testing. We recommend anonymous testing because insurance companies are known to check health records and if you have had a test, they might assume you knew you were engaging in high risk behaviors -- thus, you could be denied coverage as a health risk. Your local hospital should also have information for you. But it sounds as if your piercing was done correctly and safely. Now please pass this message on to your friends who are thinking of having piercings. P.S. Some of us want to ask you, did it hurt?

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Your question is not crazy. Here at our school, we hear the same thing. It might be a girl or a boy who is complaining. This is the worst kind of peer pressure because it's supposed to make you feel bad so you will try sex and be like those who are saying these things. We talked about this and decided on this advice. Tell the sisters that you are happy they think you are cute and they want you for their boyfriends. But say you don't want to be boyfriends if you have to have sex with them. You don't have to tell them why. Say it is none of their business. Ask them why they need to know? Is it because they want to feel better about their choice to be sexually active? Put them on the spot for being so nosy and forward. You never have to be intimidated by negative peer pressure. Just because someone says "Let's steal a car" would you do it? Not if you were smart. Tell the sisters and their friends to grow up. Sex is personal, it's not everyone else's business. That's why we volunteer for the "Teen Advice Column." We want to use positive peer pressure to help teens avoid HIV/AIDS and avoid having sex before they are ready to start. Good luck. Those sisters sound like creeps. Maybe you can warn them about HIV and STDs.

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We are very pleased that you have written. If you check out the video section on this site, there is a short piece featuring a young woman named Katherine who is living with HIV/AIDS but got married to her husband who does not have HIV (he loved her that much). They practice "safe" sex (remember though, nothing is 100% safe but with care, HIV can be avoided among partners). First of all, it is safe to kiss someone -- even deep kissing (or French kissing). Out of millions of known HIV cases worldwide, only one might be from deep kissing and according to Dr. John that case involved a prostitute with AIDS and a man with some kind of bad gum disease. So kissing is an extremely low risk. Second, although it is still debatable among doctors, oral sex is considered a risk for HIV but not as major a risk as unprotected sexual intercourse. This is important to consider; wherever there's an exchange of blood in bodily fluids between partners, there's always a risk of HIV (the gums would probably have to be bleeding or there are open sores in the mouth and on the genitals). You obviously care very much for your friend. Because she is HIV-positive, you both should consider using condoms for oral sex. It might seem nuts to do that but Dr. John says he knows couples who do this to avoid HIV and STDs. He also said that you should not vigorously brush your teeth before or immediately after oral sex as that can cause minute bleeding of the gums. Instead, use a strong mouthwash. Never should a partner swallow semen as HIV can be found in semen. Good luck with everything.

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Dear Laurie, We're very pleased to hear of your interest with the subject of HIV/AIDS and teenagers. That's why we're involved too. Why do you say that you can't start a PeerCorps program in your school? Are you really sure there aren't a few students who care? Why not post a message where kids can read it? Every person who gets involved gets us one step ahead in the fight against teen AIDS. You can also call your local hospital to see what services they offer teens or where the closest clinic is for you to get involved. You can learn more by going on our internet site and looking through the different sections (see "Site Map"). How about looking up the comic book we drew for peers in our high school (found in "Teen Art Corner"). It's pretty easy to do a comic book and it's not expensive (xeroxing, folding and stapling) -- especially if a local copy printer helps out. When you've looked it over, show it to a few friends -- maybe you will find a group that will want to spread the news with you. Then you can write us back if you still have questions.

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We thank you for your email. Your opinion is greatly appreciated. It's nice to know that there are people out there that take AIDS and STDs very seriously. You are right when you say people (including us teens) use "I love you" too often to get sex. What's difficult for many teens is that they want to believe their special friend really loves them. When someone uses you, you feel used and cheap. And you're right, they won't be there for you when you need them. But your analogy about cars is a bit much, don't you think? If cars are used responsibly, like sex, is that really so wrong? Here at the Teen Advice Column board, we are split in our opinions about when to start teen sex. It is really a personal matter. Some of us choose to be abstinent while others choose to have sex before they are married. Your point: "Just because you do it once doesn't mean you have to keep doing it," is good advice.

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We are sorry to tell you that you are at very high risk of getting HIV because of your past sex with Scott who has HIV. This doesn't mean you have it as HIV is not passed among partners all of the time (it is like gambling -- it happens some of the time). But if Scott and you have had many partners (both male and female) your risk is higher than a teen who has only had one sex partner. We urge you to protect yourself and your sex partners from now on by postponing any more sexual activity (try abstinence) or until you start using condoms everytime you have sex. Did you and Scott use condoms together? If not, you may have been exposed to HIV. In many states, teens do not have to have anyone's permission to have a HIV test. You should call a local health clinic or hospital for information on anonymous testing. You can also call a drug store and ask them if they sell any of the new home HIV test kits (if you are shy, ask an older friend to buy it for you). They are not cheap but it might put your mind at ease if the results say you are not HIV-positive (although it takes a few weeks to get the results anonymously over the phone. You give them a special number code). Dr. John wants us to remind you that HIV tests are not accurate up to the minute you take them. Some tests give false readings (so if positive, take a second test) and the results are only good for 3 to 6 months prior to the actual test date. Please write us back. We are very concerned for you and Scott. If Scott wants, he can write to Dr. John confidentially if he needs advice. Please tell all your friends to stay safe and HIV-free.

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HIV is the virus -- it comes first and AIDS is the disease, the result of HIV killing the body's immune system. Here is how it works. The virus enters the body and over the years weakens the immune system causing the disease(s) known as AIDS. People can die from many different kinds of diseases that normally would not affect young adults and teens such as skin cancers and brain tumors. You can think of HIV as a silent enemy -- like spies who enter a castle (our bodies) and hide in secret places (lymph glands for example) until one day when they burst from their hiding spots and overpower the soldiers (white blood cells) who are supposed to be defending the castle by tricking them into thinking they are not the enemy but are friendly. The castle falls (our immune system cannot defend us and our bodies lose the battle) and we die. There is no cure for AIDS and no vaccines to prevent HIV at this time.

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We understand that it can be very awkward to bring this topic up when you are young and new to sex and dating. You can discuss sex without actually having it. But if you're having sex you should be comfortable enough to talk about the subject of HIV/AIDS with your partner. Maybe you should try talking about it at a more comfortable time rather than waiting until the moment you are going to have sex. Try bringing it up casually. For example you could say, "Did you see Party of Five last night? They brought up the issue of AIDS and how she got it unexpectedly from her boyfriend." This might help get the conversation started. If not, write a letter or talk on the phone about it. Believe us, from our experience, you will be very glad you talked about it. Now that you know, you can decide what you want to do, whether you want to wait or what. Many of us in the PeerCorps have not had sex yet. We feel good to make up or own minds and say, "No, not now." A few of us, however, have tried sex yet we all agree that it is most important for all teens to be educated about the medical facts if we want to avoid getting HIV/AIDS.

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There is a chance that in fooling around, you can get pregnant because there is sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluid. If he touches inside you, or if the fluid leaks into the vagina, pregnancy can happen. It's a chance you take although it is not as risky as actual sexual intercourse where the man ejaculates into the woman.

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Dear Valorie, A perfectly normal-looking person can have HIV and no one will know it -- maybe even your best friend but HIV/AIDS takes a while before it can be detected. The problem is that we don't know if the people we hang around with have any kinds of diseases or not. You just have to use your instincts and protect yourself from ingesting bodily fluids of others (swallowing or having it enter you). That means avoiding unprotected sexual intercourse (either don't have sex or use a condom correctly) or don't share used needles. But if you take care you should not be scared about people around you.

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Yes, there is always a chance of getting HIV when you have unprotected sexual intercourse. But not all semen carries HIV. Because HIV is normally transmitted by blood-to-blood contact, there is a chance that HIV could have passed between you and your girlfriend. But if she was a virgin like you (and you really don't know for sure) the risk is probably slight. Unfortunately, when you have sexual intercourse (penetration) you really don't know what your partner has or hasn't done before being with you. People lie. And HIV can also be passed when partners share dirty needles with drugs or for tattooing. If you are serious about finding out, try getting a HIV test done but maybe it would be best to do so anonymously (it's best to do that because in the future let's say you are going to want health insurance or be tested for college or sports and they see you thought you were at risk -- they could look down on that). But after reading your letter, it seems that you don't have a high chance of having contracted HIV. Next time try to be more careful. Either postpone sex for now or else use a condom to avoid blood-to-blood contact.

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Dear Natalie, We at TeenAIDS-PeerCorps really appreciate your concern for yourself and your friends and that you cared enough to take the time to write to us. It is very sad to hear that you lost your baby due to illness. If you really want to help out your friends, you've got to talk to them. Don't lecture them or yell at them, just tell them that you care and that you don't want to see them hurt, or even worse... die. Tell them how you feel, and maybe you could even throw in a few facts about STDs and AIDS which you can get from our site.

If you are interested in helping others in New Mexico through a group, you could suggest forming a teen peer group to your principal -- say that this is something you're worried about and care about. You could even bring some interested friends along with you to show your principal that there is interest, and also to give you moral support. In our opinion, this would impress your principal to show him/her that you really care. Another option would be to start a group in your community. Be strong and intelligent in doing this, because some people may feel offended by it but you and we know that it is the right thing to do. Thank you so much for your thoughts. It's really great to know that there are others out there who care, too. If you have any more questions, please write to us again!

Answer Dear Michael, First of all thank you for sending us your email. It is nice to know that there are people out there who care for their good friends enough to get the correct information on HIV/AIDS. HIV is the virus that eventually leads to AIDS, which is a combination of diseases. A person must first have the HIV virus in order to get AIDS. Did your friend tell you he has been tested for HIV? It's important that a person be tested twice to be sure that the first diagnosis is right and then always consult with a medical doctor. Also your friend might be okay if he doesn't have the HIV virus severe enough. There are different sub-types of HIV viruses.
However, be sure to tell your friend that there are medicines (the "cocktail" combination of pills) that can slow down the spread of the virus into full-blown AIDS. While HIV is spreading in the body, it is breaking down more and more of your friend's immune system. These new drugs have helped prevent the spread of the virus in some people but not enough to stop HIV/AIDS completely. The encouraging news is that people are living with HIV/AIDS longer than ever before. Some people have lived with HIV for 18 years and still do not show outward signs of AIDS, nor have they died. So there is hope for your friend. Be sure he is seeing a doctor and taking his medicines. You are doing a wonderful thing by sticking by his side. He needs your support, friendship and love. Please tell him we say hello and send him our love.

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You should avoid any kind of blood contact with any person including unprotected sexual activity and needle sharing like when doing drugs. If you choose to have sex, you should take the necessary precautions and protect yourself from any blood-to-blood contact (even when it is so small you cannot see it). However, Dr. John tells us that HIV is not transmitted through sneezing or coughing. Even a person with HIV/AIDS has very little (if any) HIV in their spit and it would die in the air or when it lands on the skin. It's the same with semen on the hand as your skin protects you from blood contact. If someone had an open wound that was bleeding and then HIV in the semen got in the cut, it is possible there could be HIV transmission. But the risks of this happening are extremely slight, if at all.

But that is why we are here to let you know the facts so you don't worry too much or exaggerate the fear of getting HIV. Tell your friends that someone coughing or sneezing on you could give you a cold -- but not HIV/AIDS.

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Thank you for writing to us here at the TeenAIDS-PeerCorps web site. It is your caring about the future of yourself and others that can make a difference. One person can make a difference, and you can be that one person. To start, you can tell peers that you care about their future, let them know how they are all at risk for HIV/AIDS and that you do not want to see them get hurt. Tell your friends and others about this web site, and if possible, try to start your own TeenAIDS-PeerCorps group at your school. Some people may not want to face the fact that they are at risk, and the responses you get may not always be positive, but do not fold to that kind of peer pressure and do not give up.

In your case, although it was a little late, it is good that you now realize what the consequences of your actions with this girl are. At least with gonorrhea (like some other STDs) there are antibiotic medicines that can cure you. But there is no cure for HIV/AIDS at this time. Sometimes STDs are transmitted along with HIV. It is possible to contract HIV and not know it for many years. When engaging in such risky behaviors such as sexual intercourse, it is important that you always wear a condom, no matter what the girl, or anyone else for that matter, says. Although a condom is not 100% safe (they can break if not used properly), it is safer than nothing. Besides HIV/AIDS, there are a number of other consequences, as you know: STDs and also pregnancy. All of these things may affect you for the rest of your life. All that we can advise is to practice safer sex now and be smart. We wish you good luck in spreading the word about HIV/AIDS among the young people of Venezuela. If you have further questions, feel free to write us again and tell us about your work stopping AIDS.

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Dear Nick, Most authorities (including the U.S. Centers for Disease Control) say that using one condom, a good one, is enough -- perhaps even better than two at once because of the slippage problem you mentioned. Also you could be experiencing a problem if the condoms are both lubricated because that makes it easier for them to slip against each other and slide off. We want to let you know that we talked to Dr. John as we really were not sure of the best answer to your question. He said to tell you that most all condoms sold in the U.S. meet federal standards for quality (they have been tested for strength) but you must always avoid condoms labeled: "novelty use only." Never use lambskin condoms -- they are too porous (too many little holes). Do not use petroleum-based lubricants like Vaseline or baby oil with a latex condom as that can cause deterioration and breakage of the latex rubber. 1) Use either one pre-lubricated condom or 2) two un-lubricated condoms together (if it makes you feel more safe) or 3) use water-based liquids or lubricants (like KY from any drug store) with an un-lubricated condom.

It's not our role to tell you and your girlfriend what to do. It's good that you care. But condoms can break. They can deteriorate when old or if they have been kept in the sun or in a wallet for a long time. To be the safest, buy condoms as you need them and check the expiration date on the package. This site also has explicit directions (from UNAIDS) on how to safely put them on and take them off to avoid pregnancy and STDs. Of course, we are most concerned to help teens avoid HIV. If you don't have sexual intercourse, you won't get HIV. So you are making a smart choice when you choose to have sex with a condom (and it is safer than not using one -- or two!). Thank you for your question.